Well, goodness me, talk about getting lost in the illusion. I’ve been well and truly asleep in a self-imposed nightmare these past few weeks. It felt like I was trapped within the walls of my personal mind and I could not find the exit!
There I was flowing along, minding my own business when I had an impromptu call from my friend, Anna Debenham (one of our contributors on human being TV) and she said something true and I had a split second insight into how simple this understanding is.
In a fraction of a second I saw clearly that there is nothing other than thought
creating our experience and that the mind works exclusively inside out. And that the divine intelligence behind life is constant. It can’t not be.
What’s new about that? Nothing, except I hadn’t before seen the absolute nature of it. No exceptions. There is nothing ‘out there’ that can cause feeling. And the energy behind life doesn’t hide itself, it’s us that hides in untruth.
It felt like looking at one of those magic eye illusions. Where first of all you only see dots and then suddenly, out of nowhere, crisp as you like a full three dimensional image appears.
You’d think I’d be happy about that, right? Well for a fraction of a second I was. For a fraction of a second I knew that universal intelligence is constant, invincible, a bottomless pit of infinite wisdom. IT doesn’t go anywhere. It is all that is true. Nothing else. It’s the isness and the allness and the nothingness that Syd Banks pointed to.
And we’re either awake to that divine perfection (no words can describe it) or we’re asleep in the illusion that our experience comes from something other than Mind, Consciousness Thought.
I was SHOCKED. Wow! That is SO simple!
And then I was really pissed off. REALLY pissed off. I had such a strong reaction to this new piece of information that had jumped into my consciousness from nowhere. I was angry, cross and frustrated. I suddenly felt that all the magic that I’d been experiencing meant nothing. That everything I’d shared up to that point was fluffy and pointless.
This just felt so…. LOGICAL. And I don’t do logic. No, no, no, I’m the one who dwells in my infinite well of beingness. The one who sees beyond thought and the ideas we have about ourselves. The one who can merge into the nothingness and everythingness.
For three weeks I wrestled with this. I wished I’d never had the conversation with Anna. I wished she’d never been on the intensive with Keith Blevens and Valda Munroe. I wished that it wasn’t so simple. I wanted the magic back. I lamented to Anna, Steph, Iain, Christian and anyone who would listen to me. I felt bereft. I felt like I’d lost something!
And all the while I was experiencing these speeded up thoughts (even in my sleep). I’d
wake up (not spiritually but physically) in the morning and realise I’d just been dreaming about my ‘dilemma’ and how I’d lost touch with my true nature then I would zoom into the intricacies of what had happened, what it meant, why it had happened, what impact it was going to have. And most paradoxically, really TRYING to find my true nature again. Thought, thought, thought. I thought I would implode with the speed and volume of my personal thinking.
Every now and again it occurred to me to STOP. Stop paying attention to my thinking and to stop seeking my well-being. That the answer (and well-being) can never be found there. It can’t be found because it already IS. It’s what’s left when you stop thinking.
But I was seduced. I had ‘left’ home and was playing far away in a place that felt so alluring and yet so f***king annoying. But a place I knew oh so well. This is where I used to live. Most of the time. And it’s exhausting.
Every time I ‘left’ my thinking everything felt too slow. I wanted the answers NOW. So back I’d go back up into my head to loop on repeat.
I even got a migraine.
And then the other day I realised (more deeply) to stop looking there. Just stop. Nothing more occurred to me. Just stop looking.
And within a few minutes or so peace bobbed to the surface. And then I just lived. Nothing miraculous happened, I just wasn’t consumed with thought. I found myself present and engaged with life.
And a week or so later it occurred to me – That my strong reaction to what I’d seen was because I had an image of myself which I had identified with. And my ego (nothing more than thoughts about myself that I hold true) felt threatened. IT CAN’T BE THAT SIMPLE!
And from that I saw how invisible ideas about myself can be. We don’t see the personal thinking we have about ourselves until it falls away. I can’t tell you how shocked I am each time that happens. I didn’t even know it was there. It’s part of the illusion to be able to create ideas of ourselves and relate to that idea and from that idea with the ‘world’.
It’s a false platform. It’s just not true. And our true nature is the constant energy of life and the impermanent nature of Thought. Each moment fresh and not to be held onto.
But I want to share something with you. Our true nature can’t help but reveal itself when we stop being seduced by our personal thinking.
This is what is meant by ‘nothing to do’. It has nothing to do with whether action is taken or not. It’s about STOP TRYING. Stop seeking. Stop paying attention to these thoughts – no matter how seductive they appear.
Because when you do stop, your natural state of well-being can’t help but rise to the surface. Your thoughts do not hold the answer. Because you are already the answer.
So of course it feels very lovely to be home again. And thanks to Anna speaking of truth and me having an insight I have a deeper understanding of how life works. But the irony is home never went anywhere – it was just an illusion of being away.
If you’d like to hear Steph and I speak on this subject, we’re hosting a free evening talk in Edinburgh on Wednesday 28th September. You’re very welcome to join us.